15 December 2011

Stupid Birds

While most of our local wild life doesn't span beyond the imagination of donkeys, camels, chameleons, snakes and the ugliest spiders on the face of the earth, we do have quite an array of birds.  There are swallows that dive to drink out of our swimming pool . . . and these beautiful blue ones that don't do much of anything except fly away the moment they sense a camera within a 10meter radius.

And there are the pigeons.  

Stupid pigeons.

Like everywhere else in the world, our Galmien pigeons leave a mess of poop and feathers, and generally contribute nothing to society.

Being a native NewYorker, pigeons have always just been a part of the scenery.  

But it's one thing to see a legion of pigeons on your metal roof.  It's another to hear them.

The first few days my mom was here, she waged war with the winged squatters . . . armed with a broom, she let them know who was boss.  After a few banging tirades, they found another roof and filed a Change-of-Address form with the post office.

They were gone.

For good.

Or so I thought.

Two days ago I started to notice some soft scratches coming from above.  I thought nothing of it.  Then yesterday, just as I was falling asleep for a much-needed nap, I was startled awake by a thump which was followed by an array of clicking, clacking, and clattering.  

In an angry tirade (HEY!!  Those stupid birds woke me up from my nap!) I grabbed my broom and ran outside. 

There they perched . . . scattered across my roof.

Forgetting I was already holding my broom, I bent down and picked up a rock.

I launched it into the air.

It went up, then straight back down next to my feet.  The birds silently mocked me.

I picked it back up and lobbed it again.  

This time it landed a few feet in front of me, but still quite a ways from the roof.  

The bored birds blinked at me and shifted their weight from one claw to the other resulting in that awful sound a metal shovel makes as it scrapes snow from an asphalt driveway.

That's when I remembered the broom.

I lunged toward the house and with a might CRASH-BOOM-BANG my enemies retreated.  They fled for nearby branches or another corner of the roof.  So I swung again.  

When I returned from work (having never gotten my nap, mind you) I found them there again.  This time, my rock throwing was a little more successful and the pigeons left without much fight.

Naïvely, I thought I had won.  I went to sleep last night to the sound of silence above me, and I was satisfied with my victory.

Little did I know they were perched, waiting, ever so silently conniving their attack plan.

At six-thirty this morning my alarm went off as it always does.  I hit snooze, as I always do.

And just as I rolled to doze back into my slumber, those stupid birds began practicing their tapdance routine!

The harder I tried to ignore them, the louder they tapped and the faster they danced.  

'GO AWAY YOU STUPID BIRDS!' I screamed at them.  I'm certain now that my outburst only encouraged their jig.

I jumped up, grabbed a sweatshirt and wrap around skirt to throw over my pajamas, ripped my broom from it's resting place and fumbled for my keys.

As I flung the front door open, those stupid birds froze mid-saché. 

In the midst of my rage I had a lucid moment . . . 'Hey, those birds are sitting on the roof just off to the side of my window . . . EXACTLY ABOVE MY BED!!!!'  And while I was impressed with the precision of their tactical positioning, that really boiled my blood!

That was the last straw!

Maybe it was my awesome death stare, or the fire shooting from my nostrils, but all it took was one quick step forward with my broom raised and they were out of there!

You better believe, this means war!

11 comments:

Bobnrobn said...

You have to hit the roof with the broom in the morning, when you return for siesta, and then again in the evening!  A few days of that, and hopefully, they won't come back.....xoxoxoo the pigeon meister! 

Rebecca said...

I'm torn between making a reference to Hitchcock's "The Birds" or an Angry Birds comment - if you can get a green pig, you may want to try launching it at them. Good luck to you!

Deb. said...

Thanks Maestro! I'll give it a try!! I think they were just acting out because they miss you so much! :)

Deb. said...

HA HA HA!! So, I've clearly been out of the US for too long! I had to google 'Angry Birds' to understand why I would launch a green pig at my roof! HA HA HA!!!! :)

Bobnrobn said...

Likewise!!!  xoxoxxo

Rebecca said...

I was wondering when I typed that if it would translate well at all....I figured google had my back. The Angry Birds epidemic is out of control stateside, but I still wouldn't trade it for pigeons on my roof - I'm guessing the advice of the Pigeon Whisperer is much more appropriate.

Deb. said...

HA HA HA!!!! Nothing says 'out of touch' quite like missing out on an epidemic!! :)

Melissa Panter said...

moi aussi j'allais te dire que ta situation semblait être le contraire de Angry Birds. alors lance-y des cochons verts! 
 j'ai joué seulement à la version gratuite chez moi, mais c'est follement à la mode ici. il y a des oiseaux en peluche partout!

Cliff Peters said...

Deb, I'm going to Niger Dec. 26 from here in Arkansas to (hopefully) finish work on the Danja hospital, my first trip to Africa. Reading your blog has really helped give me a feel for where I'm going, thanks! I hope SIM/WFF finds us a car and driver to take us to Maradi because we'll likely be able to stop off at Galmi to visit for a while on the way if so. If we have to take the bus I have an idea now what to expect, thanks!
Keep that broom handy!

Deb. said...

Hey Cliff!! It's great that you're coming! I'm assuming if you're heading to Danja you're with WFF . . . THANK YOU!!! What a life changing service you are providing for so many women!! (and if you're not . . . well, thanks for whatever it is you're coming to do!) :)

Have a safe trip! Hope to see you soon!
Deb.

Seth said...

I'm sensing some slight irritation at these flying rodents.