18 October 2011

Fatigue Confessions

Last week, while I was at the course on Club Foot treatment, I realized just how tired I was.  It had been a rough couple of weeks . . . and my capacity for staring suffering and death in the face has reached it's maximum.  I am tired, and I have nothing left.

When I started at work again Monday, I nearly broke down in tears three times during wound care of our burn patients . . . three times by 9am.

On Thursday a baby I've been treating died just a few hours after I washed his burns and redressed them.  Stretched his limbs and resplinted them.  I went to bring his roommate to therapy and there was a new child in the bed where I had left baby.  I turned to the little boy I had come to see, 'Where's baby?' I asked.  He stared at me.  'Did he leave, did he go to his house?'  My little friend silently shook his head, no.

And a 13 year old boy was fighting for his life when I left, battling not only the destruction the burns have left, but also a bout of malaria and severe malnutrition.

There comes a point, when nothing is left, that feels a bit like emotional shock.  Everything sort of shuts down temporarily . . . the instinct to survive kicks in and only what-is-necessary-to-keep-going functions.  It is only when survival-mode shuts off that the emotional dam breaks.

My dam hasn't yet broken.  But it's on it's way.  The wall is cracked and little high-pressured streams spurt from time to time.  But I can feel it.  The pressure is too great on one side, with very little to counterbalance that force.

I am away now, and will be for a few weeks.  To rest, and regroup.  To soak in some Healing Waters before going back.

Sunday night our Regional Director (the big-boss) was in town.  During our compound church's service, he shared from Haggai 2.  I don't think I've ever heard anyone preach from Haggai before . . . but boy did it speak it to me!
'But now take courage . . . take courage and work, for I am with you' declares the Lord of Hosts.  'As for the promise which I made . . . My Spirit is abiding in your midst, do not fear.' (v. 4 & 5)
My soul is tired and my spirit has nothing left to give.  My tears are still stopping at their ducts . . . but this is only temporary, they will come.

Yet, the Lord is faithful, and this will pass.  There is rest for the weary.

17 comments:

Sarah said...

Praying with you for a time of refreshment and a renewal of strength and courage.

Deb. said...

Thanks Sarah!

Bobnrobn said...

Now I know where you are.......see you soon, praying for you.  xoxoxo

Mary Jane said...

I have not written before but pray for you regularly.  Now I know why God has brought you to mind many times these last weeks.  Thanks for your honesty.  Much love and prayers.

Arpiller said...

Someone once told me that when all we have left in us is exhausted, ask for help.  It is then that the energy and spirit of our God will flow through you to give you strength to soar high and He will be glorified.  Prayers.

Amanda Hunt said...

Thank you once again for sharing and being so honest. I'm so glad you are able to step away for a little while. I pray that the Lord will refresh you and that you will be renewed. Thank you for that verse, its exactly what we needed today too.

Linda said...

Oh, bless you, bless you, bless you! May God refresh you as only HE can! I'll keep you in my prayers.

The Lord bless you and keep you, may He cause His face to shine upon you and give you peace.

Linda

Ryniakg said...

Deborah, my heart goes out to you.  May you feel Jesus' presence with you every day.  I love you.

S said...

Dear sister! I wish I was there to give you a hug and cry with you! Someday death will be no more and He will make all things right...but until then, I and so many others will be praying for you. I'm so glad you are taking some time to rest. He is our peace.

Deb. said...

Thank you so much Mary Jane!! The Lord is answering your prayers!

Deb. said...

So true!! Thanks!

Deb. said...

Thanks Amanda!

Deb. said...

Thank you for praying! The Lord is answering your prayers!

Deb. said...

Thank you!!

Deb. said...

Thank you! My rest is off to a good start!

Malamacindy said...

Hi Deb,
Just 'caught up' with your blog...Rest well, my friend...I know the feeling. Praying...

Deb. said...

Thanks Cindy! So far the Lord has showered me with blessings and rest. Thanks for praying!