When I started at work again Monday, I nearly broke down in tears three times during wound care of our burn patients . . . three times by 9am.
On Thursday a baby I've been treating died just a few hours after I washed his burns and redressed them. Stretched his limbs and resplinted them. I went to bring his roommate to therapy and there was a new child in the bed where I had left baby. I turned to the little boy I had come to see, 'Where's baby?' I asked. He stared at me. 'Did he leave, did he go to his house?' My little friend silently shook his head, no.
And a 13 year old boy was fighting for his life when I left, battling not only the destruction the burns have left, but also a bout of malaria and severe malnutrition.
There comes a point, when nothing is left, that feels a bit like emotional shock. Everything sort of shuts down temporarily . . . the instinct to survive kicks in and only what-is-necessary-to-keep-going functions. It is only when survival-mode shuts off that the emotional dam breaks.
My dam hasn't yet broken. But it's on it's way. The wall is cracked and little high-pressured streams spurt from time to time. But I can feel it. The pressure is too great on one side, with very little to counterbalance that force.
I am away now, and will be for a few weeks. To rest, and regroup. To soak in some Healing Waters before going back.
Sunday night our Regional Director (the big-boss) was in town. During our compound church's service, he shared from Haggai 2. I don't think I've ever heard anyone preach from Haggai before . . . but boy did it speak it to me!
'But now take courage . . . take courage and work, for I am with you' declares the Lord of Hosts. 'As for the promise which I made . . . My Spirit is abiding in your midst, do not fear.' (v. 4 & 5)My soul is tired and my spirit has nothing left to give. My tears are still stopping at their ducts . . . but this is only temporary, they will come.
Yet, the Lord is faithful, and this will pass. There is rest for the weary.